seems like when we were young, hope sprang eternal that things would change – that WE would change.  herculean efforts ensued as we worked to become our “best self,”  to better our world, our children, our neighborhoods.

or so it was with me.

cycle after cycle of solutions were regularly discovered as i sought to become everything beautiful with nothing broken.  at some point in this revolving process i began to wonder what might happen if i were to embrace my brokenness.  and so i did.  but after a time, this merely landed me in hell, broken on the floor of some dark cave.  sometime after this i was reminded again of my beauty, and so i began the tedious journey of balancing both beauty and brokenness.

now, older and wiser, i find that i care less for how beautiful or broken i am, i simply accept.  i don’t examine or tally.  i am no longer interested in fighting for change.  i accept.  i am willing to ride change, perhaps still to be changed, but i do not seek it in the same way.  i accept that i simply am what i am.  that this life is what it is.  i smell beauty and comfort pain.  i feel hope, but for spirit not circumstance.

and for me this is more than enough.

it’s monday january 9 and we are truly down to 3.  only one child in the house to awaken this morning. only two lunches to make.

the holidays have been full of our eldest coming over from her place and our middle two home from school.  the last one went home this weekend and this is the first work week with what has become our regular trio.

all of that to say … perhaps i can get back into a regular swing with my new novel.  she hasn’t had much attention since my hubby’s birthday in november. (what with the big thanksgiving and christmas that followed) it has been an absolutely glorious season.  i have enjoyed cooking and cleaning, gift buying and giving and laughter and outdoor fires and stories and all my babies gathered ’round.

but 3 of the four have gone back to their worlds – at least for now – and i really must get back to writing. well, not just any writing…i have written for disney and even finished a draft of a musical review for a middle school…the writing i am excited to feel stirring within me is my novel.  dear girl.

and so i shall make a sacred place for her this week…make friends again…woo her out.

yum.

so…in my line of work i get to meet some of the most amazing people.  this particular person has a rather large following…but i knew him when…before the north pole stage lights hit his cherry nose.

if you are as big a fan of delight, hope, laughter, imagination and belief as i am, you will enjoy these as-real-as-can-be videos.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTE-LKi2VsE&feature=relmfu  will take you to a couple of quick commercials that santa graciously did for ancestry.com

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VvNPah0BUI&feature=related  will take you to some fun interactions the cameramen had with santa while he was making his special “spots.”

my friend Joel McCrary would be pleased you stopped by…

i’m sitting in the dark.  well not quite, the christmas tree is on.  and, as i sit here in the quiet, i see the sun trying to rise.  the dishwasher hums.  my husband and youngest have left for their day and the two home from college (plus one girlfriend visiting from indiana) are still asleep.

i love morning quiet.

i love christmas tree lights, coffee, sunrises and the hope of a new day.  i love celebrations and family.  i love boat rides with my son and his girl.  i love all the kids hanging together without the parental units.

i think we can all be together sat night – all 6 of us – plus a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  funny how things change.

i can see the keyboard now; the grey morning is slipping through the slats of the window shades.  the tree still shines and it is still quiet, but for the hum of the dishwasher.

so this is an unabashed plug for the artist who created this website!

jason at simple blog designs was great at listening to what i needed, creative in his approach to the look and feel of the website and knowledgeable about all the currrent “how tos” of the web.

go take a look – and tell him i sent you!   he’s awesome!

i know the holidays can be painful.  they can be stressful too.  and i can imagine that i will have both of those feelings before we ring in the new year, but for now i am relishing the coziness i feel.

i feel grateful, tender, loved.  i am in love with my family and happy in my home.  i am grateful for my job.

simple things like decorating the tree, putting up the lights, finding a present online, sipping wine with my husband, laughing at the table with our youngest, anticipating the return home of the other three…these bring up a well of love in me.

i may be sentimental, and it’s true that the sight of christmas decorations makes me giddy, but i also have been gifted with the ability to see my life as the blessing it is.  sometimes, on the darker days, its beauty escapes me.  today it does not.

wow.  i havent posted in forEVER!  i guess i’ve been buried in stories – family stories, disney stories, my own stories – it’s been quite a florida autumn!

the good news is that these stories are all blessings.  my latest family story was a surprise celebration for my hubby’s 50th birthday, my freelance disney story continues to fund two kids in college and my new novel draft is a story 60 pages in!

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i have much to be grateful for…my kids will all be home, more family is coming in from the beach…and i am certain that as we gather at the table together, we will find many, many more stories.

how about you?  got stories?  (picture me in a milk mustache here)

since stories are built with words, and words come out one at a time – even tho often they tumble in a rush – i sometimes find myself lost.  writing can be as difficult as that old adage “one day at a time.”  great as a philosophy, excruciating as a life choice.

one day at a time – one word at a time – leaves me with no guarantees, no control.

back when i was still an actress, i worked with a wonderful director named jeff wirth.  he scared the crap out of me because he demanded this kind of thinking from my performance – ultimate improvisation, flung into whole-heartedly.  he told me that if i brought my skill to the table, i was only as good as my skill, but if i brought my whole self, everything i had ever experienced was at my disposal.

today, i will write like jeff wirth encouraged me to act – one word at a time, with no promise but that all that i am will be used.

what is it about words that so turns our hearts, forges paths into our souls, welds us together?

i just listened to some young women sing their poetry at a music festival in my town – o-town – and i was struck once again by how many of us express our innermost feelings through language.  it is remarkable, language.  or shall i say language respected, crafted, formed and enjoyed is remarkable.  i spent 20 years speaking language from a stage as an actress and for me the sound of a word holds as much as its meaning…put together, artfully, expressive language makes me go weak in the knees.

what is it about words?

our deepest desire – i still say – is to be seen and heard.  i remember my children frustrated early on when they could not yet form their thoughts into language – there were tears and anger, tantrums and eventual flinging into my arms before they mastered the ability to speak out that which was inside.  so – i think – we remain, linked to our language – in the end, it tells our truths.

i am grateful for others’ language too, the chance to borrow their mastery, their insight, their phrase.  language is perhaps one of the most collective endeavors we participate in during our lives.  you and me, we speak together, we read together…and sometimes we even write together.

yep.  it is.  and i am planning to celebrate all day long

why not?

it’s the only day of the year where we get to absolutely swing and swagger – flaunt and flourish – grin and giggle – all over a celebration of ourselves.  why do you suppose we don’t take advantage of this lovely view more than one in 365? was i less fantastic yesterday? will i be less of myself tomorrow?

i have long thought that it is a delight to embrace all that we are – you – me – each one of us.  perhaps that is why we have birthdays.  they encourage us – at least once a year – to practice believing in the incredible work of art that we are!

so here is to me – a full-of-crazy-love wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, family kind of gal – a work of art – a painting – an unapologetically emotional, passionate, artsy-fartsy, put-the-color-on-with-putty van gogh!!!!!!!!

woooooot!