…did i mention i got one?

a dragonfly, fluttering out of my shirt, sweeping up to my neck.

i’m cute.

“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”
― C.S. Lewis.

so does the writing die if we are not confused?

i have not been thinking. much. for me this is sometimes a good thing. a welcome respite from my own crazy mind (sometimes my mind is a neighborhood you wouldnt want to travel alone in after dark).  but i feel today, and yesterday, and maybe the day before, a hunger for thought, a temptation to wrestle…a hope for the kind of pondering that leads to a curiosity that leads to a working out with words.

don’t get me wrong, it has been lovely to be emotionally stable, to have no crisis with the kids, but there is a wooden place inside me that i suddenly wish would sprout something green and uncertain once again. so that i might write in order to understand.

sometimes you try something based on a hunch, you stride out, hopeful that your instincts are true.

so is the case with my friend shawn smucker’s book, Building a Life Out of Words. i had read his work on his blog, enjoyed his perspective on life, faith, writing and family…appreciated the lyrical quality of his words.  and so when he asked me to contribute to his latest project, i was downright glad.  he published two of my short non-fiction pieces in this book and today i finished reading the whole of it.  it was as lovely as i had hoped…as honest and as hopeful.  i cried at least three times at the beauty and purity of his struggle and his hope.

Building a Life Out of Words is the story of his early travels as a full-time writer – how he fell into it almost accidentally, but not quite.  it is about the difficulty we face when being true, and the possibility of hope fulfilled for those of us who persevere.  it is a compelling story.

at only $3.99 on kindle or nook (or emailed as a PDF) it is well worth the read…especially if you have a secret desire to live that life you always dreamed about.

Building a Life out of Words.  buy it

sometimes a “no” can be as good as a “yes.”

really.

finding out where you are not, is not so different than finding out where you are.  both serve as a boundary of sorts.  and so i watch myself (somewhat amused as if i am merely an onlooker) as i find new freedoms in what i may not have, what i may not do, who i may never become.  and i smile because the exhale i release is not bitter.  rather i exhale the idea that i have already become, that my life, as it is, is already good. i need nothing more, no more acceptance, no more accomplishments, no more love.  i am awash in abundance.

hmmm.

seeking not to strive but to bask in beauty, this is my life.

seems like when we were young, hope sprang eternal that things would change – that WE would change.  herculean efforts ensued as we worked to become our “best self,”  to better our world, our children, our neighborhoods.

or so it was with me.

cycle after cycle of solutions were regularly discovered as i sought to become everything beautiful with nothing broken.  at some point in this revolving process i began to wonder what might happen if i were to embrace my brokenness.  and so i did.  but after a time, this merely landed me in hell, broken on the floor of some dark cave.  sometime after this i was reminded again of my beauty, and so i began the tedious journey of balancing both beauty and brokenness.

now, older and wiser, i find that i care less for how beautiful or broken i am, i simply accept.  i don’t examine or tally.  i am no longer interested in fighting for change.  i accept.  i am willing to ride change, perhaps still to be changed, but i do not seek it in the same way.  i accept that i simply am what i am.  that this life is what it is.  i smell beauty and comfort pain.  i feel hope, but for spirit not circumstance.

and for me this is more than enough.

it’s monday january 9 and we are truly down to 3.  only one child in the house to awaken this morning. only two lunches to make.

the holidays have been full of our eldest coming over from her place and our middle two home from school.  the last one went home this weekend and this is the first work week with what has become our regular trio.

all of that to say … perhaps i can get back into a regular swing with my new novel.  she hasn’t had much attention since my hubby’s birthday in november. (what with the big thanksgiving and christmas that followed) it has been an absolutely glorious season.  i have enjoyed cooking and cleaning, gift buying and giving and laughter and outdoor fires and stories and all my babies gathered ’round.

but 3 of the four have gone back to their worlds – at least for now – and i really must get back to writing. well, not just any writing…i have written for disney and even finished a draft of a musical review for a middle school…the writing i am excited to feel stirring within me is my novel.  dear girl.

and so i shall make a sacred place for her this week…make friends again…woo her out.

yum.

so…in my line of work i get to meet some of the most amazing people.  this particular person has a rather large following…but i knew him when…before the north pole stage lights hit his cherry nose.

if you are as big a fan of delight, hope, laughter, imagination and belief as i am, you will enjoy these as-real-as-can-be videos.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTE-LKi2VsE&feature=relmfu  will take you to a couple of quick commercials that santa graciously did for ancestry.com

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VvNPah0BUI&feature=related  will take you to some fun interactions the cameramen had with santa while he was making his special “spots.”

my friend Joel McCrary would be pleased you stopped by…

i’m sitting in the dark.  well not quite, the christmas tree is on.  and, as i sit here in the quiet, i see the sun trying to rise.  the dishwasher hums.  my husband and youngest have left for their day and the two home from college (plus one girlfriend visiting from indiana) are still asleep.

i love morning quiet.

i love christmas tree lights, coffee, sunrises and the hope of a new day.  i love celebrations and family.  i love boat rides with my son and his girl.  i love all the kids hanging together without the parental units.

i think we can all be together sat night – all 6 of us – plus a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  funny how things change.

i can see the keyboard now; the grey morning is slipping through the slats of the window shades.  the tree still shines and it is still quiet, but for the hum of the dishwasher.

so this is an unabashed plug for the artist who created this website!

jason at simple blog designs was great at listening to what i needed, creative in his approach to the look and feel of the website and knowledgeable about all the currrent “how tos” of the web.

go take a look – and tell him i sent you!   he’s awesome!

i know the holidays can be painful.  they can be stressful too.  and i can imagine that i will have both of those feelings before we ring in the new year, but for now i am relishing the coziness i feel.

i feel grateful, tender, loved.  i am in love with my family and happy in my home.  i am grateful for my job.

simple things like decorating the tree, putting up the lights, finding a present online, sipping wine with my husband, laughing at the table with our youngest, anticipating the return home of the other three…these bring up a well of love in me.

i may be sentimental, and it’s true that the sight of christmas decorations makes me giddy, but i also have been gifted with the ability to see my life as the blessing it is.  sometimes, on the darker days, its beauty escapes me.  today it does not.